Reboots, Remakes, and Reimagines. Oh my.

​So I watched Red Dawn the other night. No, not the shitty 1984 movie where the Russians invade and a group of teens in Colorado fight them. I'm talking about the other Red Dawn. The shitty 2012 movie where the North Koreans invade and a group of teens in Washington fight them.

I was eleven years old when the original came out. I didn't get to enjoy it until years later when I was in middle school and it became a VHS staple in video stores across America. And it was awesome. What 13-year-old kid wouldn't want to grab their dad's hunting rifle and fight the commies with their buddies? It was any red blooded American kid's dream. Mind you, around the same time my friends and I were shouting "Wolverines" at our 19-inch televisions, we were also having conversations like this: "Man, if I could go back in time, and if I couldn't get killed, I would go fight in the Vietnam war. It would be so awesome."

Shooting from the hip. The eightiest of all eighties action movie traditions.

​That's the problem. We were stupid violence loving teen boys who lapped up crap like Red Dawn almost as much as a tattered issue of Penthouse found in a dumpster. I watched the '84 Red Dawn a day or two after the remake. Although I enjoyed the nostalgic factor it provided, I realized it was a pretty lame flick. So that begs the question...why does Hollywood remake terrible movies?

For Red Dawn, I can only image the thought process went something like this: They took a decent plot from a so-so movie and told themselves they could do a much better job than those cocaine-fueled hacks from 1984. Sadly, they failed and failed miserably. 2012 Red Dawn is terrible. It earned a pathetic 12% on rottentomatoes.com. And who thought it would be a good idea to try and transform the fat kid from Drake and Josh into an action hero?

"Hug me brotha!"

"Ain't got time to bleed."

As you may have guessed by the movie poster above, what really got me thinking of this subject was the latest news of the upcoming Road House starring Ronda Rousey as Dalton. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Road House because it's one of those rare movies that's unintentionally so bad that it's good. But it is indeed bad. As a matter of fact, I wrote an entire blog post on how it's the best bad movie ever made: 44 Reasons why Road House is the Best Worst Movie of all Time.

​Why does Hollywood insist on doing this time and again? Because there are no more ideas for new movies, of course. Every plot, story line, scenario, situation, and scene, has been used before. They're forced to remake old movies. Right? Of course not! As a matter of fact, I have several books that would make smashing movies. I'll sell out big-time. All you producers out there could probably buy the rights for less than what you'll spend on the catering bill for the next reboot of Spider-Man movies.

​The pathetic and lazy thing about remaking films like Red Dawn and Road House (and Dirty Dancing. Swayze is spinning in his grave!) is why they do it. Not because they feel like they can do a better job this time around. It's because they know idiots like me will watch them. Only because we liked the original and we'll be more likely to pay to watch the remake. It's the same reason those Atari 2600 emulators are for sale. But try to get a ten-year-old kid in 2015 to play Adventure and just see what happens.

Hint: it won't look anything like this.

Remakes for kids are especially lame. Take Mr. Peabody & Sherman from 2014. Who's that for? Not a single kid on the planet who went to the theater with their parents was aware of the original cartoon first seen in 1959 on the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. So does that mean it's marketed to the parents? Most of them have probably never seen it either. What's next? A Rocky and Bullwinkle movie?

Oh come on!

I don't have to see the new version of Road House to know it's going to be a colossal piece of unwatchable crap. And not in a good way, like it's 1986 ancestor. It's going to take itself too seriously, and like 2012's Red Dawn, be an unforgettable snooze fest.

Hollywood, I implore you. Stop remaking movies. Sure, a decent one sneaks through from time to time, but you're just making fools of yourselves at this point. In this golden age of self-publication and indie authors, there are literally thousands of fresh ideas from books released every day that would make great movies we haven't seen before. Like mine. Seriously. Make me an offer and I'll sell out so fast it'll make your head spin. I can't guarantee the film version of Black Water Creek starring Jennifer Lawrence will be a blockbuster, but I do guaranteed a reboot of The Hunger Games in 2033 is just going to piss everybody off.