Four Songs You Love That Celebrate Pedophiles

Ah, pedophiles. You gotta love 'em. And what a perfect subject for a catchy pop song. No, wait a minute. We all HATE pedophiles. What kind of sick twisted pervert would write a song about one? Nobody, right? Well, hold on there bub, because you may have been singing along to one of those mysterious songs in the car this very morning without even realizing it.

Ladies, gents, and especially children, I give you four popular songs that celebrate pedophiles.

"Young Girl" Gary Puckett & The Union Gap

Let's start off with an easy one and the most obvious. Unless you're a mindless zombie able to tune out the world around you, I know you've heard this song and wondered the same thing I did: "How in the holy hell did this song get air play on the radio?!"

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Let's take a closer look at those lyrics, shall we?

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run girl,
You're much too young girl

It starts off a little sketchy right out of the gate. He's basically telling this girl to RUN AWAY because he can't promise his junk won't stay on his side of the bell bottoms.

With all the charms of a woman
You've kept the secret of your youth
You led me to believe
You're old enough
To give me Love
And now it hurts to know the truth, Oh,

Translation: You told me your were 18! Old enough to give me, ahem, "love" and now I have blue balls. Did I mention you better run?

Beneath your perfume and make-up
You're just a baby in disguise
And though you know
That it is wrong to be
Alone with me
That come on look is in your eyes, Oh,

Time to take it up an notch and use the word "baby." Not creepy enough for you, Gary? Notice how he turns it all on the girl. He's the strong one rejecting her advances. What a hero.

So hurry home to your mama
I'm sure she wonders where you are
Get out of here
Before I have the time
To change my mind
'Cause I'm afraid we'll go too far, Oh,

Again, talking about "mama" just to remind us how young this gal is. Not much of a hero anymore, is he? He's basically telling us that unless she leaves right now, they'll go too far. Much, much, too far.

Young girl get outta my mind
my love for you is way outta line
better run girl, your much too young girl

Feel the need to take a shower yet? Now, I know what you're thinking. "Hey man, lighten up. How do you know the song isn't about some 17 year old singing about a 15 year old? That's not so bad."

Okay, I see your point, Naive Skeptic, but I pass my judgement based on the actual age of the dude singing. Gary Puckett was 26 the day he belted out these perverted lyrics about a twelve year old girl in the studio that day. Feel better? Me neither.

"Chevy Van" Sammy Johns

A staple in any Time Life Songs of the Seventies album. Just a harmless song about a dude and his van? Oh no. Take a listen.

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I gave a girl a ride in my wagon
She crawled in and took control
She was tired 'cause her mind was a-draggin'
I said, get some sleep and dream of rock and roll

He starts off by picking up a tired hitch hiker and tells her to dream about a certain genre of music. If that isn't enough of a clue that he's an insane serial rapist or killer, I don't know what is. And he's in a van. Let's not forget that.

'Cause like a princess she was layin' there
Moonlight dancin' off her hair
She woke up and took me by the hand
She's gonna love me in my Chevy van
And that's all right with me

Unlike Gary Puckett, Sammy chooses his words a little more carefully. She woke up and took his hand. She's gonna love me (whether she wants to or not, Sammy?). You're not fooling anybody, guy. You watched her like a perv while she slept. Keep your eyes on the road, creep.

Her young face was like that of an angel
Her long legs were tanned and brown
Better keep your eyes on the road, son
Better slow this vehicle down

That's what I said! Good Lord, this girl better wake up and jump out of the van right now. Kinda strange how there are no door handles on the inside...

I put her out in a town that was so small
You could throw a rock from end to end
A dirt-road main street, she walked off in bare feet
It's a shame I won't be passin' through again

So he conveniently left out the bit where he violated her in the back of his van, but Sammy has no qualms about admitting to dumping her in some strange town. In bare feet. And he's already regretting he didn't get to do it a second time.

'Cause like a princess she was layin' there
Moonlight dancin' off her hair
She woke up and took me by the hand
We made love in my Chevy van
And that's all right with me

But the real question is, was it all right with her? Here comes that Naive Skeptic again: "Hey man, this article is supposed to be about pedophiles. That girl could've been legal." This is true, but he described her as "young" and a "princess" so Sammy is getting the Pedo Stamp of Approval.

"I'm on Fire" Bruce Springsteen

We all know The Boss was boooorn in the U.S.A, but did you know he wrote a song about a psycho that breaks in to a girl's home to assault her? Sure you did. Don't let the video about cars and what-not distract you from the disturbing-ass lyrics.

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Hey little girl is your daddy home 
Did he go away and leave you all alone 
I got a bad desire 
Oh Oh Oh 
I'm on fire 

Woah, did he really just say that? Nothing subtle here.

Tell me now baby is he good to you 
Can he do to you the things that I do 
I can take you higher 
Oh Oh Oh 
I'm on fire 

Notice he didn't say "Can he do for you the thing that I do." That single word is the reason this song is banned in 17 countries. OK, I made that up, but come on...

Sometimes it's like someone took a knife baby 
Edgy and dull and cut a six-inch valley 
Through the middle of my soul 

I did mention this dude is a psycho, right?

At night I wake up with the sheets soaking wet 
And a freight train running through the 
Middle of my head 
Only you can cool my desire 

Singing about soaking wet sheets ain't helping, Bruce.

Oh Oh Oh 
I'm on fire

"Oh Oh Oh." Do I have to spell that one out for you? Naive Skeptic: "Hey, man....Yeah, I got nothin.' This song gives me nightmares."

"Brown Eyed Girl" Van Morrison

Oh, that's no typo. Everybody loves this song, right? A regular at weddings and keg parties the world over. But have you ever given it any thought? Not to worry, because I have and Rape Van Morrision has pedo written all over him.

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Hey, where did we go
Days when the rains came ?
Down in the hollow
Playing a new game,
Laughing and a-running, hey, hey,
Skipping and a-jumping
In the misty morning fog with
Our, our hearts a-thumping
And you, my brown-eyed girl,
You, my brown-eyed girl.

To me, this seems just a little too light-hearted and juvenile to be talking about two consenting adults, here. Playing new games? Laughing, skipping, and a-jumping? Hmmm. Careful, Van.

Let's skip ahead a little.

So hard to find my way
Now that I'm all on my own.
I saw you just the other day,
My, how you have grown!
Cast my memory back there, Lord,
Sometime I'm overcome thinking about
Making love in the green grass
Behind the stadium
With you, my brown-eyed girl,
You, my brown-eyed girl.

Woah. Did he really just comment on how much she's grown? The average girl stops growing around 18 so that means he hasn't seen her in years. So long, that he's shocked by how much she's physically grown.

"Hey man, people grow intellectually and spiritually, man. That's what he's talking about." Really, Naive Skeptic? Because he clearly stated HE SAW HER just other other day. He didn't say "I talked to you and realized just how much you've grown as a person on the inside." And why didn't he stop to chat? Perhaps a certain rule involving how close he can get to minors?

And why were they doing it behind the stadium? You know where most stadiums are? By schools. And what about that "song that they used to sing?"

Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
Just like that
Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
La dee dah.

Sort of sounds like a children's tune, doesn't it?

Do me a favor and look at his photo above. Now imagine him saying "You're my little brown eyed girl. This will be our secret." You can thank me when you're done vomiting.

~Robert Brumm