50 Things to do in Real Life as Seen on TV

As I turn 45 years old next week, I felt it was time to reflect on what's important as I hit middle age. I've always enjoyed setting goals for myself, so I sat down and came up fifty things I want to do before I die. As seen on television.

​In no particular order:

​

1. Enter kitchen in the middle of the night to find a robe-clad and troubled family member sitting at the table drinking coffee. Pour myself a cup and say, “You can’t sleep either, huh?”
2. Pick up the phone and say these exact words: “Yes, operator. I’ll accept the charges.”
3. Discuss my diagnosis while sitting in front of my doctor’s desk in his private office, not in an examination room.
4. Get pulled over by a police officer and ask, “Is there a problem officer?” His reply: “License and registration.”
5. Walk up to a bar and say “Gimme a beer.” Bartender obliges with no follow up questions such as what brand of beer I might prefer.
6. Walk into a room at the exact moment a person telling a joke to a group of people delivers a very obscure punchline. Group laughs with much enthusiasm.
7. Approach a troubled family member sitting alone at one of the following locations: park bench, edge of pond/lake/river, swing set, or their childhood bedroom preserved the way it was when they left for college. Say: “I figured I might find you here.”
8. Walk down the street holding a paper grocery bag with an unwrapped baguette and a celery stalk sticking out the top of it.
9. Pick up the phone and dial the number to a person or place of business by memory, even though there is no reason why I would have the number committed to memory.
10. Call 911 and say, “Hello, 911?” when they answer.
11. Splash water on my face from the bathroom sink. Stare into the mirror with a troubled expression and exhale heavily before toweling off.
12. Stand still in the shower, looking down with my eyes closed as the water hits the back of my head. Steady myself with one or both hands on the wall. Bonus point: Don’t remove military dog tags from neck before entering shower.
13. Sit at breakfast table reading the newspaper. Respond to wife’s attempts at conversation by saying “uh huh” or “that’s nice.” Continue to do so even after wife proves I’m not listening by saying “I’m going to Mars today” or “I want to nail your brother.”
14. Eat a full hot breakfast with the entire family including kids of all ages and both working parents. Everyone is wide awake, showered and dressed, and has plenty of time to eat a leisurely meal before it’s time to leave.
15. Walk through the door and say, “Honey, I’m home!”
16. Soothe a black eye with a raw steak.
17. Have a cousin that looks exactly like me, only with one of the following key differences: wears glasses, has mustache, or speaks with Southern accent.
18. Address my boss as “Sir.”
19. Address my father as “Sir” after getting lectured.
20. Get shushed at the library.
21. Perform an urgent task on a computer such as hacking into a system or preventing a hack into my system by typing wildly on the keyboard.
22. Sit up suddenly in bed, covered in sweat and breathing heavily from a nightmare.
23. Learn that I’m the sole benefactor in the will of my long lost uncle who recently passed.
24. Gingerly throw pebbles at an upstairs window to discreetly get the attention of somebody inside.
25. Fall accidentally into quicksand.
26. Have somebody ask me how many fingers they’re holding up.
27. Help somebody find their glasses only to step on them while the person is crawling around on the floor. Lenses are made of actual glass and get shattered.
28. Spit into a little sink next to the dentist chair.
29. Have somebody hold up a newspaper and say, “Have you seen this?!” I reply by making a comment about the advertisement next to the article they are referring to.
30. Get into a cream pie in the face fight.
31. Speak with a whistle after breaking a tooth.
32. Turn on the bedside table lamp before answering a phone call in the middle of the night.
33. Pick up the newspaper from the end of the driveway wearing a robe and slippers. Review the front page for a moment before heading back inside.
34. Shield my eyes from the sun and say, “We passed a gas station a few miles back. You stay here and I’ll go for help.”
35. Sneak into a hotel room under the tablecloth of a room service cart.
36. Hold up a previously adult sized shirt that shrunk into a child sized shirt that was just pulled out of the clothes dryer.
37. Hold up a previously white t-shirt stained pink that was just pulled out of the clothes washer.
38. Pour some laundry detergent into the clothes washer. Review the back of the box, shrug, and dump the rest of the box in its entirely into the clothes washer.
39. Hear a used car salesmen say, “Ain’t she a beaut?” Bonus point: He’s wearing a plaid sport coat.
40. Act very cocky about being invited to go on live television, only to freeze when the little red light on the camera turns on. Bonus point: I hear the echo in my head of a previous conversation - the producer telling me that millions of people will be watching...watching...watching…
41. Hiccup when I get drunk.
42. Try to sober someone up with black coffee before an important event.
43. Shout, “My roast!” Pull a black and smoking roast out of the oven.
44. Listen to a pizza delivery guy make a sarcastic comment about his meager tip.
45. Glance into the rear view mirror and announce, “We’ve got company.”
46. Enter the room and come face to face with my clone. Faint.
47. Frantically whisper to an off duty cop lying on the floor next to me not to pull out his gun during a bank robbery.
48. Ask somebody behind me how long they have been standing there. Their answer: “Long enough.”
49. Look at somebody in the passenger seat of the car I’m driving while we’re talking for way too long to be safe.
50. Offer a heart-felt apology to somebody lying in bed and under the covers. When it seems that I'm being ignored, pull the blanket back to reveal that their feet are where their head should be.

So that's my list. What's on yours? Comment below!

Robert Brumm is the author of several books and believes 45 is the new 5. He can get dressed all by himself and count to 100.